How did Ubisoft’s 2013 conference compare to 2012’s? Were the surprises any good? Did Mr. Caffeine and Aisha “Girlwood” Tyler collectively flip after being caged for days without food or water, as I predicted? Well, unfortunately, that did not happen. But the conference did have its ups and downs. Here is the breakdown of all the new, exciting, and repulsive things to come from Ubisoft’s conference.

Jerry Cantrell of Alice In Chains takes the stage to show off a new Rocksmith.

Ubisoft starts the show off with a honest-to-goodness surprise. Who would’ve thought that the first Rocksmith sold enough to warrant a sequel? The second coming is called Rocksmith 2014 and will be out in October. Mr. Cantrell played well enough, but no guitar solo could ever help Aisha Tyler’s upcoming performance. Bring on that awful, awful cheese.

Aisha Taylor approaches the conference with a “If you can’t laugh at yourself…” mentality

Donning a t-shirt sporting “#girlwood” on the front, Aisha Tyler tells us about “the bonkers line-up” that we were about to behold. She also spoke of all the “dirty deeds” she did to Alice In Chains, because, as we all know, “Dirty Deeds” is, in fact, an Alice In Chains song….

Rayman Legends reaffirms that Ubisoft hasn’t completely lost it

Rayman Legends was shown off before Aisha Tyler could scare people off in droves. It’s the first good thing to happen to Ubisoft’s conference, and in my opinion, one of the most exciting moments of E3 so far. Play it on your PS3, Xbox 360, or Wii U on September 3rd. Here’s the new trailer:

South Park: The Stick of Truth introduces the Nagasaki Fart

Trey Parker and Matt Stone grace the E3 stage once more to show us tidbits of info on South Park: The Stick of Truth. In the newest trailer, Randy Marsh shows us the “Nagasaki Fart”, a karate move so devastating, it stops enemies in its tracks. South Park: The Stick of Truth is due out this holiday season… or some holiday season for Xbox 360, PC, and PS3. Here’s the Nagasaki Fart in action:

New Racing IP The Crew coming out early 2014 for next-gen systems

It seems the next generation is truly embracing the online singleplayer ethos. The Crew will feature a seamless singleplayer/multiplayer racing experience, featuring an online, persistent representation of the U.S., where players will infiltrate crime syndicates throughout the country. You can also customize your cars via SmartGlass, because that’s what next gen will be about.  It will release early next year for Xbox One, PS4, and PC.

Two new Trials titles announced

Trials Fusion, the sequel to the hit motocross titles for XBLA, is set to release on Xbox One, Xbox 360, PS4, and PC early next year, and will be in full 3D – a departure from its original 2.5D view. A mobile companion game titled Trials Frontier will be out for iOS and Android platforms, and will be closer to the original Trials titles.

There’s another Just Dance coming out, the crowd takes a second to reflect on their lives

Just Dance 2014 gives us all the impression that, just like sports titles, Just Dance will be a yearly installment, and will be released for all current-gen consoles this October, and for Xbox One and PS4 on their respective launch days. Gamers around the world sigh. Here’s a trailer:

Tom Clancy’s The Division is shown, the crowd becomes intrigued.

Last year, Ubisoft announced Watch Dogs, a game with heavy themes of the 21st century’s obsession with our smart phones, our social network egos, and our need for the Internet. I loved all of it, being the cynical man that I am. This year, Ubisoft announces The Division, a game involving a terrorist plot that condemns the 21st century’s excessive consumerism. It’s coming to next gen consoles in 2014. Guess who’s smiling? Here’s the trailer:

Ubisoft announces a Raving Rabbids interactive TV show

A new, interactive Raving Rabbids TV show, titled Rabbids Invasion, is set to release “soon”, and will be exclusive to Xbox One, utilizing the Kinect.